cheeseburgers will follow

I played guitar in the dark, looking at the moon. I made cheeseburgers for dinner and they didn't suck. You see, for 15 years I've not been allowed to make the cheeseburgers. I willingly bought into the theory that I was incapable of cooking a meal. It was presented in such a way that it seemed moot to endure the learning curve. So I accept the assessment of failure and stand back. That's changed now. I've learned that I have to learn. I've learned that it's OK to NOT actually be perfect the first time. As a result, in the 5 months since my separation, I have actually learned to make cheeseburgers. They didn't suck. My kids ate them, I even enjoyed mine. This may seem small, but it's not.

We went to couples therapy today. It was amusing. I've been veiled and obtuse about details of my daily life. So I will try not to seem like a soap opera weekly update. The fact is, I've accepted a pretty spectacular, and risky job. It allows my career to pick up where it left off 12 years ago. Today my s2bx said "I'm happy for you because now I don't have to feel guilty about having a job I like." I thought maybe he just didn't see how that sounded, but he reiterated the sentiment three or four times, finally summarizing his thoughts with "I couldn't allow myself to be really happy when I thought you were just muddling through." Hmm. It's possible that all those years of "It's OK that you can't cook cheeseburgers, because I'll just take care of it." should have clued me in.

My friends; new ones, old ones, from bizarre corners of the world and right next door, have allowed me to recognize that I am, quite simply, perfectly capable of being happy. I don't need permission to feel good or make mistakes (because I have made some, and I plan to make more). There are some things I could use some work on: taking the time to put moisturizer on my feet so they don't feel like sand paper, acknowledging when the "check engine" light goes on in the car, and cleaning the litter boxes everyday. If I can work on those, then the cheeseburgers will follow.