From marriage counseling, to couples therapy, to separation counseling to....divorce mediation! It's almost like we started the Master's Degree or something. So today was step one, and the lawyer/mediator said "So I would usually spend some time making certain that you both want this, that you understand you can slow the process down at any point....., shall I go into that?" s2bx and I look at eachother, big smiles creep over our faces and we both say "No, we are really clear that this is what we want." and then he reached over and squeezed my hand and I laughed. I do believe that we confused the hell out of the lawyer lady.
So in my home state we have to fill out a lot of forms, talk to a CPA (that part is a bit of a joke because half of nothing won't help the other half of nothing find something to split. We both know it's a matter of having enough money to pay for braces and after that there isn't anything left.) So...I'm tired. There is something about taking these steps that seems so cavalier - but can still knock me on my ass. I have the house to myself and I think I'm going to just get some sleep - stop all the thinking or few hours.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Responsibilty
Dreams:
Children everywhere. The realization of the burrow concept. My girls, and someone else's kids too. My oldest found a stash of candy - she was doling it out to everyone. All the kids in my charge and I were studying The Three Musketeers, tables were sent in a Louis XIV style, some kids wanted to invite friends, all in period dress.
SO...as I think about this in the light of day, and recall the feelings and emotions that it evoked, I understand that I am collecting responsibilities as distraction from my own needs. I am looking to fill my time with needy beings (children - and kittens) so that I won't have the time or focus to attend to myself. I think that I am afraid to look at myself closely, for fear that I will see a failure. My work is hectic, high pressure, and I've been struggling with my priorities on that front. Asking myself do I want MORE responsibility, do I want to escape the responsibility? In essence; run away? My motives are unclear, even to me, but absolutely to my coworkers.
I have a boss who is passionate. She is also emotionally crippled. She withholds approval and infantalizes her top employees in order to "motivate" us. I know this. I can look at it analytically. So, doesn't knowing it preclude me from being affected by it? Apparently not. I am afraid to fail, I shy away from the potential retribution, and as a result am rendered useless. This is where the children in the dream come in. They provide excuses, not even to any one else, just to me. Look, my motives are pure, my actions come from a place of love. but......I'm circling back to a need to love myself.
a whole lot to ponder on a Saturday filled with trips to the dump, the dojo, the market.....and a pile of kids in the car.
Children everywhere. The realization of the burrow concept. My girls, and someone else's kids too. My oldest found a stash of candy - she was doling it out to everyone. All the kids in my charge and I were studying The Three Musketeers, tables were sent in a Louis XIV style, some kids wanted to invite friends, all in period dress.
SO...as I think about this in the light of day, and recall the feelings and emotions that it evoked, I understand that I am collecting responsibilities as distraction from my own needs. I am looking to fill my time with needy beings (children - and kittens) so that I won't have the time or focus to attend to myself. I think that I am afraid to look at myself closely, for fear that I will see a failure. My work is hectic, high pressure, and I've been struggling with my priorities on that front. Asking myself do I want MORE responsibility, do I want to escape the responsibility? In essence; run away? My motives are unclear, even to me, but absolutely to my coworkers.
I have a boss who is passionate. She is also emotionally crippled. She withholds approval and infantalizes her top employees in order to "motivate" us. I know this. I can look at it analytically. So, doesn't knowing it preclude me from being affected by it? Apparently not. I am afraid to fail, I shy away from the potential retribution, and as a result am rendered useless. This is where the children in the dream come in. They provide excuses, not even to any one else, just to me. Look, my motives are pure, my actions come from a place of love. but......I'm circling back to a need to love myself.
a whole lot to ponder on a Saturday filled with trips to the dump, the dojo, the market.....and a pile of kids in the car.
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