Responsibilty

Dreams:

Children everywhere. The realization of the burrow concept. My girls, and someone else's kids too. My oldest found a stash of candy - she was doling it out to everyone. All the kids in my charge and I were studying The Three Musketeers, tables were sent in a Louis XIV style, some kids wanted to invite friends, all in period dress.

SO...as I think about this in the light of day, and recall the feelings and emotions that it evoked, I understand that I am collecting responsibilities as distraction from my own needs. I am looking to fill my time with needy beings (children - and kittens) so that I won't have the time or focus to attend to myself. I think that I am afraid to look at myself closely, for fear that I will see a failure. My work is hectic, high pressure, and I've been struggling with my priorities on that front. Asking myself do I want MORE responsibility, do I want to escape the responsibility? In essence; run away? My motives are unclear, even to me, but absolutely to my coworkers.

I have a boss who is passionate. She is also emotionally crippled. She withholds approval and infantalizes her top employees in order to "motivate" us. I know this. I can look at it analytically. So, doesn't knowing it preclude me from being affected by it? Apparently not. I am afraid to fail, I shy away from the potential retribution, and as a result am rendered useless. This is where the children in the dream come in. They provide excuses, not even to any one else, just to me. Look, my motives are pure, my actions come from a place of love. but......I'm circling back to a need to love myself.

a whole lot to ponder on a Saturday filled with trips to the dump, the dojo, the market.....and a pile of kids in the car.