Father’s Day meditation on the bike.

Ten miles, straight up the Connecticut river (excuse me, let me correct that, five miles up, five miles back) haze of sunrise created by filters of steam, pollen, and dust, ripples on the river reflecting glimmers as I stare for dangerously long moments – the road girl, look at the road!

My thinking started thusly; permission. From the fathers in my life I have sought permission “Look Dad, is this Ok?”. Sometimes it feels like approval. “Hey Dad, can I?” and sometimes it was this “Hey Dad, look at this, cool huh?” That last one, “Cool huh?” That’s me seeking to impress. These are three things I have been seeking, permission, approval and to impress. Granting those things is something I have always turned to a father for.

What happens if I can find those things in me? Maybe I can say, “What happens WHEN I can find these things in me?” Permission to laugh. Permission to talk like a trucker or drink like a sailor. If I give myself permission, then perhaps I will do those things for fun, and NOT to shock or impress. When the moment comes that I make creative choices because they impress ME, maybe I will be able to grow past those choices.

I asked myself, is Father’s Day for father’s? or is Father’s day for children to take a long look at their fathers? Who is it that stands to gain the most from this moment? And…for that matter…does looking at our fathers lead us to look inside ourselves?

I assigned my father the job of approval or disapproval, and I took risks to impress him. What I am learning, very slowly, is to see what is reflected of me in him. To change the idea “I am like my father” to “this is what I am, and my Dad sees me”.

I speak to more than my Father, although he has occupied most of my mind this morning. My s2bx will always be the father of my daughters. In the same way that my actions can’t be solely to impress a father, I can not create an image of father for him to inhabit for our girls. He will be their father, they will see him, and I can hope and pray patiently that he will see them. I can’t show him.

I think of my brother, my neighbor, my friend, the father of my Goddess-daughter. For them, today, let me say thank you. Thank you for embracing the idea that fatherhood is god-like. When I look beyond my Dad, and I look inside myself, I hope that my smile can reflect to you….that your love of your children is observed, it is catalogued, and it is marveled upon.

Lastly; the boys. The nephews, the loved ones, the young men, who look to all the fathers to model the god for them and with them. Take joy in the rebellious, obstinate, complex, boys who will become fathers. When they do, they may reflect joy and understanding for their daughters, if they can receive it now.

Boys, men, gods all.

Thanks. And Dad…..I love you.