From marriage counseling, to couples therapy, to separation counseling to....divorce mediation! It's almost like we started the Master's Degree or something. So today was step one, and the lawyer/mediator said "So I would usually spend some time making certain that you both want this, that you understand you can slow the process down at any point....., shall I go into that?" s2bx and I look at eachother, big smiles creep over our faces and we both say "No, we are really clear that this is what we want." and then he reached over and squeezed my hand and I laughed. I do believe that we confused the hell out of the lawyer lady.
So in my home state we have to fill out a lot of forms, talk to a CPA (that part is a bit of a joke because half of nothing won't help the other half of nothing find something to split. We both know it's a matter of having enough money to pay for braces and after that there isn't anything left.) So...I'm tired. There is something about taking these steps that seems so cavalier - but can still knock me on my ass. I have the house to myself and I think I'm going to just get some sleep - stop all the thinking or few hours.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Responsibilty
Dreams:
Children everywhere. The realization of the burrow concept. My girls, and someone else's kids too. My oldest found a stash of candy - she was doling it out to everyone. All the kids in my charge and I were studying The Three Musketeers, tables were sent in a Louis XIV style, some kids wanted to invite friends, all in period dress.
SO...as I think about this in the light of day, and recall the feelings and emotions that it evoked, I understand that I am collecting responsibilities as distraction from my own needs. I am looking to fill my time with needy beings (children - and kittens) so that I won't have the time or focus to attend to myself. I think that I am afraid to look at myself closely, for fear that I will see a failure. My work is hectic, high pressure, and I've been struggling with my priorities on that front. Asking myself do I want MORE responsibility, do I want to escape the responsibility? In essence; run away? My motives are unclear, even to me, but absolutely to my coworkers.
I have a boss who is passionate. She is also emotionally crippled. She withholds approval and infantalizes her top employees in order to "motivate" us. I know this. I can look at it analytically. So, doesn't knowing it preclude me from being affected by it? Apparently not. I am afraid to fail, I shy away from the potential retribution, and as a result am rendered useless. This is where the children in the dream come in. They provide excuses, not even to any one else, just to me. Look, my motives are pure, my actions come from a place of love. but......I'm circling back to a need to love myself.
a whole lot to ponder on a Saturday filled with trips to the dump, the dojo, the market.....and a pile of kids in the car.
Children everywhere. The realization of the burrow concept. My girls, and someone else's kids too. My oldest found a stash of candy - she was doling it out to everyone. All the kids in my charge and I were studying The Three Musketeers, tables were sent in a Louis XIV style, some kids wanted to invite friends, all in period dress.
SO...as I think about this in the light of day, and recall the feelings and emotions that it evoked, I understand that I am collecting responsibilities as distraction from my own needs. I am looking to fill my time with needy beings (children - and kittens) so that I won't have the time or focus to attend to myself. I think that I am afraid to look at myself closely, for fear that I will see a failure. My work is hectic, high pressure, and I've been struggling with my priorities on that front. Asking myself do I want MORE responsibility, do I want to escape the responsibility? In essence; run away? My motives are unclear, even to me, but absolutely to my coworkers.
I have a boss who is passionate. She is also emotionally crippled. She withholds approval and infantalizes her top employees in order to "motivate" us. I know this. I can look at it analytically. So, doesn't knowing it preclude me from being affected by it? Apparently not. I am afraid to fail, I shy away from the potential retribution, and as a result am rendered useless. This is where the children in the dream come in. They provide excuses, not even to any one else, just to me. Look, my motives are pure, my actions come from a place of love. but......I'm circling back to a need to love myself.
a whole lot to ponder on a Saturday filled with trips to the dump, the dojo, the market.....and a pile of kids in the car.
Friday, August 31, 2007
time for blogging
The good news is, I haven't watched TV in a very long time. The issue is that I am supposed to write a lot of reports for my work, and I keep drifting around on the blogs; barstools, theological/emotional meanderings, reports of life during divorce, then I get yelled at because I don't comment, then I get pissed because no one comments on mine - wow, Blogging really is like a high school click. There's the international blogspot crowd, the sensitive Xanga crowd, and then the frighteneing, no-way can I try that facebook addicts.
So this IS A POST. I will not (as some friends have tried) put torrid, mildly nausiating stories about foreskins here, nope, non of that.
I could resort to inviting lurid tales of erotic encounters in hopes of building readership.....but then I might have to start, and I'm a little too shy for that, even in the blogesphere!
So this IS A POST. I will not (as some friends have tried) put torrid, mildly nausiating stories about foreskins here, nope, non of that.
I could resort to inviting lurid tales of erotic encounters in hopes of building readership.....but then I might have to start, and I'm a little too shy for that, even in the blogesphere!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
airplane poetry
number 1
Bumpy tiny plane
Thrill of acceleration
Crying baby, right behind me
Close seats
Cramps, headache, popping ears
And yet,
And yet,
Excited to return
Comfortable with being loved
Ready to work,
ready to notice everything, absolutely everything
Bumpy tiny plane
Crossing the Atlantic
Taking the shortcut to reach the sunrise
#2
Taking destiny by the balls
Writing the script for myself, my whole self
Writing with a knowing that this is right, correct, better than OK
Breathing deeply and not running away
Messy, sloppy, never tidy
Life
third
Chocolate
darkness
warmth
nerves shimmer
eyelids are thick, heavy
gentle roar in the back of my throat, the top of my chest, my soul
wrapped in arms
dry grass
headlights revealing
time sliding
breathe on my neck
hands on my arms
a smile won’t leave my lips
tasting comfort
knowing
warmth
Bumpy tiny plane
Thrill of acceleration
Crying baby, right behind me
Close seats
Cramps, headache, popping ears
And yet,
And yet,
Excited to return
Comfortable with being loved
Ready to work,
ready to notice everything, absolutely everything
Bumpy tiny plane
Crossing the Atlantic
Taking the shortcut to reach the sunrise
#2
Taking destiny by the balls
Writing the script for myself, my whole self
Writing with a knowing that this is right, correct, better than OK
Breathing deeply and not running away
Messy, sloppy, never tidy
Life
third
Chocolate
darkness
warmth
nerves shimmer
eyelids are thick, heavy
gentle roar in the back of my throat, the top of my chest, my soul
wrapped in arms
dry grass
headlights revealing
time sliding
breathe on my neck
hands on my arms
a smile won’t leave my lips
tasting comfort
knowing
warmth
Saturday, August 18, 2007
crazy shit
ok, so I saw quite a few people today who have known me since I was 11 years old. Some I haven't seen in 20 years but that doesn't seem to matter. Most people were speechless when they heard about my imminent divorce, but now the cat is out of the bag and a whole new segment of the people of my life know that my marriage is ending. There was actually a bizzare bit of time spent catching up/hanging out/talking with the man who was quite possibly my first head over heels crush. It seems that his wife left him a few years ago, he has 4 kids, and is an actor in LA. The bizarre part was realizing the simple fact that 25 years after a child hood crush, it's conceivable I could go on a date with him. He gave no indication of such a thing, it just gave me pause to recognize that it was within the realm of possibility. crazy shit.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
rain in edinburgh
Walking in the rain. the rain. the rain. I've always been told about the UK rain, never understood what it meant to have a constant stream of drizzle until today. At home we have storms, the come crashing down and they move on, more may follow, but always in deluge/refuge cycles.
Melancholy everywhere. My goal? Be silly, be happy, be awake. Notice things again. Perhaps the rain, perhaps the bright colored umbrellas, perhaps only the way my eyes are drawn to certain people and not others.
Music informs so much of what I feel. This morning (at the outragously early hour of 8:30) I walked to a meeting, in the grey, listening to Audioslave on my ipod. It changes everything to have a soundtrack. Now, just now, as I sit in the pub, there is a song - I don't need or want to name it, but it evokes heart break and unfulfilled aching to be with someone from the past. A poem I recently read, something about an oaisis from a desolate dryness...It evokes this same feeling of craving something that you will not allow yourself to believe in.
Being away from my beautiful, vibrant, silly, and proud girls has added to my lack of grasp on the light and lyrical aspects of life.
I'm afraid that I've adopted an akward lilt to the cadence of my voice. Too much time absorbing the voices of the locals. I know in my soul that it sounds quite absurd, if I weren't so embarassed to be American, it might be easier to relax into my own speech pattern.
I'll be flying home tomorrow, a long day of travel, via London Heathrow, never been there. Home with my girls for 6 days, and then back to Scotland for another week.
Melancholy everywhere. My goal? Be silly, be happy, be awake. Notice things again. Perhaps the rain, perhaps the bright colored umbrellas, perhaps only the way my eyes are drawn to certain people and not others.
Music informs so much of what I feel. This morning (at the outragously early hour of 8:30) I walked to a meeting, in the grey, listening to Audioslave on my ipod. It changes everything to have a soundtrack. Now, just now, as I sit in the pub, there is a song - I don't need or want to name it, but it evokes heart break and unfulfilled aching to be with someone from the past. A poem I recently read, something about an oaisis from a desolate dryness...It evokes this same feeling of craving something that you will not allow yourself to believe in.
Being away from my beautiful, vibrant, silly, and proud girls has added to my lack of grasp on the light and lyrical aspects of life.
I'm afraid that I've adopted an akward lilt to the cadence of my voice. Too much time absorbing the voices of the locals. I know in my soul that it sounds quite absurd, if I weren't so embarassed to be American, it might be easier to relax into my own speech pattern.
I'll be flying home tomorrow, a long day of travel, via London Heathrow, never been there. Home with my girls for 6 days, and then back to Scotland for another week.
Friday, August 10, 2007
to talk
I'm not sure weather it is being in the UK, being away from my kids, or being newly liberated, but conversation has been a delightful past time. In fact, I have discovered that simply sitting and talking about science, the theory of relativity, the nature of genetics (yes that WAS a pun) or even reminiscing about the 80's hardcore scene in NYC, this has been a banner week for stimulating conversation. I had forgotten, I mean genuinely forgotten what a blessing it is to simply talk. Why so significant? I suspect it is because there is such a part of conversation that has been calculated for me over the past few years. What was OK, what was too "smart" what was not smart enough. Somehow, this week, I have indulged in speaking my mind without a fear of appearing "less than" some ideal I had of myself.
It has meant asking questions as they pop into my head, foolish questions that help me get to know a person a little bit. It has also meant debating e=mc2 with a significant scientist, over a pint in a pub of course, because this is Edinburgh, and every good conversation I have will need to be over a pint, in a pub.
There have been stimulating conversations about my work as well, and the work of others. Perhaps it is the nature of the fringe festival. We are all here to experience and experiment - so conversation is required to make sure we can touch base with reality every once in awhile.
It is friday night, and I had the distinct pleasure of sharing sabbat with an old friend and his family in his flat here in Scotland. It led to conversations about the value of slowing down, setting aside time to simply converse, without goals, obligations and duties. I can't begin to claim an understanding of the Jewish faith, but I can tell you that the idea of choosing not to be productive in the material sense for 24 hours each week, it is mind bending in it's simplicity and it's value.
It has meant asking questions as they pop into my head, foolish questions that help me get to know a person a little bit. It has also meant debating e=mc2 with a significant scientist, over a pint in a pub of course, because this is Edinburgh, and every good conversation I have will need to be over a pint, in a pub.
There have been stimulating conversations about my work as well, and the work of others. Perhaps it is the nature of the fringe festival. We are all here to experience and experiment - so conversation is required to make sure we can touch base with reality every once in awhile.
It is friday night, and I had the distinct pleasure of sharing sabbat with an old friend and his family in his flat here in Scotland. It led to conversations about the value of slowing down, setting aside time to simply converse, without goals, obligations and duties. I can't begin to claim an understanding of the Jewish faith, but I can tell you that the idea of choosing not to be productive in the material sense for 24 hours each week, it is mind bending in it's simplicity and it's value.
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